[Stagefright]

this might be kind of long. Don't read it if you don't want to. It's probably more of a vent (I know my posts here are few and far between.. I feel like some intruder or something).

You know those child's games? The first guy who touches you will be your first/ true love? (I don't remember the exact word on this particular occasion). Well. My best friend was big on those games. And this guy brushed my shoulder. I was repulsed, eww, icky boys and all of that. Three years later me and him went to secondary school together. Were best friends for two years, most of that time we spent liking eachother and pretending not to. We ended up with different people until we both just finally accepted our friendship was strong enough to survive a relationship... We lasted about 4 months or something... We broke up because I was raped and I didn't tell him. I just got verydistant and depressed, and couldn't be close to him at all so he misinterpeted that (not that I blame him) and we came to the decision to break up.. Basically I said I couldn't be with anyone at the time. And he decided he didn't want to be with me anyway. So, immature creatures we both were at the time, even though we agreed on remaining friends, he had a friend tell me he had liked my best friend for months, to spite me. It wasn't true, though I didn't find out it wasn't true till this summer. So as I still "loved" (as far as teenage love can really go) him, this hurt like effing hell, and being an immature and confused little girl, I went out with a friend of my brother's, who Iknew liked me.. and who i knew my ex hated. Then, as it was a kind of.. game... he asked mybest friend out. And they went out. I broke up with my brother's friend after three months because I couldn't stand it. Him and her stayed together for 7 months or more... We became friends again,and everything was OK...But I still wanted to clear things up so I told him about the rape and explained why I did what I did... And he explained to me why he did what he did.. The ocnversation ended with him telling me he still loved me... And well. I guess I loved him too. He still had a girlfriend, mybest friend. Nothing happened. I went away for the summer... When I got back, he said he still felt the same. He was still with his girlfriend. This should have been my first clue he didn't really care about me... Anyway... About a weekafter I came back, we ended up at a party together drunk. He kissed me. It was actually really romantic, despite the way it sounds (I know I'm a horrible *****). He still didn't break up with his girlfriend...

Then one day I got stranded at his house because the roads were blocked... and the electricity was gone.. SO you can imagine. His house, at night, his parents were in rome, candlelight, etc. (No, we actually didn't have sex because he was still with his girlfriend and I refused to be even more of a ***** than I already was... I don't think he really wanted to anyway). But anyway.

A few days later he broke up with his girlfriend. But it wasn't for me. He just broke up with her because her newbest friend said they weren't good together anymore.

Then... Things were normal. Tense, but normal. We were best friends again (me and him. she turned out to be a bit of a *****). we had those "moments"... and everything was just peachy.

Then I had a two week blackout... Which the doctors linked to an accident.. And when I went back to school after those two weeks, not remembering anything.. He wouldn't even look at me. This hurt. He was ignoring me to tactfully it wasn't even obvious to other people. This combined with other things (a lot of other things) sent me spiralling back down into the depression I had very nearly pulled myself out of. I got so depressed I made myself physically ill. I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I ended up staying at home for three weeks... Went to the doctor, she prescribed me some stuff, and I went back to school three days later. And things were the same.

Let me stress it wasn't JUST him. Something was wrong, in general. I still havaent figured it out. Things were just off colour. Anyway. He asked me why i was ignoring him.. Which was obviously just... confusing. and frustrating. We had a 60 second talk in which we concluded that I wasn't ignoring him and he wasn't ignoring me. And things got better. This was a week or two ago.

Then today, he tells me he's so freakin' happy. I say why? He says he has a girlfriend. I am taken aback. Of course by now, I have already decided he's no good for me and only ever makes me feel like crap. But I still thought of him as my best friend... And I find it very... very something... that he should just tell me like that. With no warning, like, say.. I don't love you anymore... I don't like you anymore, even.

It's not the fact he is with her that pisses me off..

I don't know what it is. I know, he had the decency to tell me, right?


I just want to know how a guy goes from "I'll love you forever, every girl I ever went out with, you were always in the back of my mind. I don't care if you're going to England, I'll wait for you, I want you to be my first time, you're special." to "hey, i'm going out with the girl who consoles you when you cry in the bathrooms at school".

In such a short space of time?

It's not fair, because I don't know what the hell I did inthose two weeks to change things. I have a diary, but all there is in there is blood and angry immature poems.

I don't know. I decided when i went back to school he was a *******, that people change, he wasn't a little innocent boy anymore. Just like I'm not the same. But you couldn't exactly say we've grown apart. if anything we've grown closer. Ugh. We just knoweachother so well. I would understand if he only saw me as best friend material... But that's not even it. I know him well enough to know he's doing this to hurt me. Because of the way he is doing it. It's so subtle... But...


Oh, I don't know. This probably doesn't make any sense to any of you. You're probably all wondering what the big deal is. These things HAPPEN. And all youcan do is accept them.

I guess it's just frustrating. I don't know what I did to lose him. Because I have completely lost him.I'm not talking about losing him to someone else. I just lost him, he's gone. He has changed, completely.

Now, my big pointless ol' ramble/vent/THING is over. And you can all pleasetell me how immature and stupid I am being, and that there is more to life than guys and friends.

[masniac]

i had a slightly simailer problem with one of my good guy friends. Not quite as extreme as your case (no rape or extreme depression or blackout. That had to be really hard for you). I do not think you r immature but just needed to let things out. Every one needs to at times. I dont know what is with guys at this age because i never found out why he didnt talk to my for over 3months. I tried talking but that didnt work. Hope things will work better for you.

You need not worry about your 'big pointless ol' ramble/vent/THING' because it is completly understandable.

[Stagefright]

Thanks for replying...

He is a bit of an asshole. He is being incredibly careful not to be too friendly... or too mean... But he's doing it in such a way you would barely even be able to tell how hard he's trying. And unfortunately he comes off more mean than anything else.

Oh well. I'll get over it. I really don't usually get this worked up over such petty things. I guess it's the one thing I can just complain about, and put the blame on someone else.

Thanks again...


Anyway, I'm not the only one who is surprised. Apparently no one saw it coming. They all think he is using her... she's liked him forever.

What a world.

lol.

[Drowning Godess]

First of all....that wasn't rambling or pointless and you definatly arn't immature. *huggles*

.....as for the rest, I havn't a clue why he's doing that. He seems like....evil kinda. Is there no way you can find out what happened during that two weeks that you've blocked out??? Maybe ask a friend or something???
.You never know, maybe he'll change back and....idk. I really don't know. I really don't have advice to give...but if you need someone to talk to....just PM me.

[jovell]

Hey, I read all of it. =)
And, I agree with Drowning Goddess, that was not rambling or pointless. You truly expressed how you felt there, all your feelings and emotions put together.

Well, you know him well, but it seems like he's the kind that plays around with other girls. I think, he has changed; and no matter what, he will never be the boy you once knew. You've lost him, his old self, but I think the best solution is maybe if you could just let go of the past. Sure, you guys know each other so well; after all you've been through, but is he really worth it? Is he so important that you could go behind your best friend's back? No guy is ever worth that, to break a friendship. Friendships normally don't last as long as a guy and girl relationship.

I'm not saying what you did was wrong =/ but just expressing my opinions there. I mean, he is also your best friend too. And, I gotta respect him.

But, I just hope everything turns out okay. Don't make the same mistakes again. And, we'll always be here to support you and listen to you when you need us.

[jovell]

Woops, I meant friendships normally last longer than a guy and girl relationship. Sorry about that! ^^"

[Stagefright]

Well, actually what I did WAS wrong. If she had truly been my best friend I would never have done it.. But there's a whole other story behind that. We were never close, we were just... in the same circle of best friends. And when you're in that circle, you're not allowed to say anyone in it is just a friend. Really, I didn't think much of her... I felt guilty as hell anyway, And extremely disappointed both in myself and him... Especially... well, no, not especially anyone. I can't decide who I was most disappointed in...

I really don't know if he's really worth it. He is back to normal again now...

I think... He is trying to make newer, better shinier friends because before, we only really had eachother in our class... And I miss school quite often because my depression can get really bad, and then it starts causing physical symptoms. And I guess it's better that he have apermanent best friend... And besides, I can understand not wanting to be associated with the weird moody chick? Though at one point he said the only reason he ever started treating me the way he did, was because he was mad that I kept everything to myself and never shared things with him anymore... But I always got the impression he didn't want to know anyway... So...


NOW I am rambling. Lol. I don't know about him and his girlfriend, though. I know they are probably trying to keep it a secret (this always happens with all his relationships. Except with me), but... I know I am probably not the best person to say, but there really doesn't seem to be any chemistry between them. The way people are sort of careful around eachother, when they start going out...and they blush when they accidentally look at eachother for too long... There is none of that. I just don't know.


Argh, I could fill a book with all this crap...