[erm]

Firstly: I really love my boyfriend, and I'm not going to split with him over sex. And it might not sound like it, but he's really sweet and caring and brilliant - generally anyway.

The problem is, though I ask for sex, and want sex and am actually pretty horny for a female (if the supposed difference in sex drives is to be believed) I'm starting to not enjoy it I can't relax, there isn't enough (or really any) foreplay, and I'm starting to feel used. It's starting to cause me pain as well, afterward and during.

I don't know what to do. I am partially responsible.. I don't know, because I haven't really told him? But how can I tell him that?
I'm very noisy in bed, and he takes it as a sign that everything is great. Really I'm noisy because it's so rough. Every time. He knows I don't orgasm, I'm not soo bad as to actually fake anything.. but I guess he doesn't really know. How can I tell him without ruining his esteem and pleasure? I basically give him everything he wants. I don't mind that.. I'd do anything for him, I love him and I want to give him pleasure.. I just wish he'd give me some.
But at the same time, I can't really tell whether he enjoys it I worry always whether he's enjoying himself, all through sex too. Because he makes no noise, he just looks like he's concentrating. And I'm sure he doesn't initiate it as often as I do. I'm very attracted to him, so I want and initiate sex, and I always hope that I will love it, and sometimes it's quite nice (but it's never ever been great).
But if I initiate.. I can hardly initiate foreplay on myself can I? I don't want to ask him to get me going.. I want him to want to. I seem to be getting even less foreplay than I used to. Literally none at all - getting undressed is my foreplay, I think because we are in an LDR and feel as though there is hardly any time together, we rush through it. I feel as though I will never orgasm and this is my failing. I would love to orgasm for him.

I feel like crying. I know that's a bit pathetic cause it's just sex right? But I feel unattractive, and unsexy. And I know it's unfair. I give him oral (tho he doesn't seem to enjoy it) and anal sex (which I don't dislike in fairness, he's always careful). I've bled for him and not even told him, because it would make him sad. I cried that time.. because I bleed for him and he doesn't even know, I sacrifice for him and I'm not even sure he enjoys it. Do guys always enjoy sex?
And now sex is starting to hurt me, because he is big and I'm not prepared, and I think I'm getting more and more anxious/nervous which can't be helping.
I think he would care.. if he knew.. he would care a lot. But that's why I can't tell him. Because it would hurt him

But I have to tell him right? Cause it doesn't have to be this way, and I want my future with him, and my future is a long time to be unsatisfied. But I don't want to be selfish.

I have tried hinting btw, "let's try more gentle sex", "I don't think I will orgasm from penetrative sex" <- I mean that's a pretty big hint isn't it?

I don't know what to do, or how to broach the subject. I really love him, and in every other way bar sex he is perfect. I'm willing to work on it, I'm sure he could improve.. but how do I tell him without hurting him?

And I'm sorry this has turned into an essay

[pinkheavenzen]

this sounds tragic, however everything can be fixed with time.

[Jenn.]

You need to talk to him about it and forget trying to spare his feelings. If he's physically hurting you during sex how about saying "OW STOP IT" rather than pretending you like it.

[Kevmaster]

Well everyone has a different sex life. Some people love getting off on pleasuring on their mate, some love giving oral sex, some just love straight sex and don't want anything else. It's different for everyone else and that's what you two need to do, is find out what you two want/love in your sex and do it.

First of all, talk to him. Tell him what has been bad about the sex. He needs to understand what he's doing doesn't feel well on you or else it won't stop and the sex life will get worse and worse. And ask for more foreplay. (Because to be honest, I've never heard of having sex without it) What you're problem might be is not enough foreplay. You need to do it to the point so your vaginal juices start going and lubricating your vagina. This makes for easier penetration so it isn't that painful on you and starts to become more pleasurable.

Second, both of you should go online and look at some articles on ideas to do in foreplay. From tips on oral sex for you, and how to please her for him. There are a lot of good articles out there on sex and foreplay. Look around for them. Also look at some porn online to see if there are any interesting things the professionals do that may help your sex life. A lot of couples will watch porn to improve their sex life, and it does help a lot from what I hear. After all this research, talk to him about some things you want to try to help you get pleasured more, and he will tell you somethings he found out. Exchange ideas, and get ideas between you two of what you want to try.

Third, do it. Try out all the ideas on each other you and him found. Then have a happy sex life. Good luck! ^_^

[Aussie Bombshell]

If you dont talk to him about this then he is just going to assume that you like it and enjoy it as much as he does and then you are going to keep on feeling like this because things wont change on their own. The sooner you tell him the better, that way you can start making changes together.

[hellogirl93]

You are lucky my friend is going through a similar thing and I have just given her advice. What you should do is continue having sex with your boyfriend but also begin having sex with other boys even if it includes some of your boyfriends friends. I'm sure you will find someone who is more compatible to you. After which you break up with your boyfriend and start dating the new boy. There is no need to talk to your boyfriend at all, he will not know anything until you have moved on and have found someone else.

[Aussie Bombshell]

why even bother writing anything if you're just going to be stupid?!

[Cyparagon]

Ha! okay, lets all disregard the "cheat on him" advise. We can do better than that.

[Jenn.]

She is obviously a troll.

[erm]

Thanks for your replies (even the troll, who was amusing if not useful).

I did ask him (carefully) whether we could try more foreplay, though I was cowardly and did it over an instant messenger :P I think I phrased it well enough not to offend him.
The problem is whether just saying we will have more foreplay will actually result in more foreplay. Is it difficult to get out of bad habits? Can bad sex turn into good sex in your experience? Because we have looked at lots of internet articles, and often agreed to try something new, but then in practice it doesn't happen. Like for example - he loves to talk dirty about oral sex but then doesn't do it.
Will having more foreplay address the rough sex issue? I mean will I be better able to handle rough sex if there is more foreplay? I'm sure I used to enjoy it. I think he's become a bit preoccupied with rougher sex because it makes me loud.. I've tried hinting quiet isn't bad, but I guess I've been dishonest in not telling him from the start.. which makes it difficult to tell him now. If I came out and said "this sex is too rough I don't enjoy it" then he's not stupid he'd figure I hadn't been enjoying sex for a while. Should I just leave it and concentrate on more foreplay for now?

[pinkheavenzen]

so what happened?

[erm]

Well he said "yeah let's" seemed happy with the idea, and not offended I guess But I won't see him for a week or so to see whether anything will actually change. I'm hoping if we try a little, and I'm really enthusiastic about it then we'll get into the habit of doing foreplay every time.

[Hunny_Bunny2004]

I think that if you're not honest with him about it, you're not only being cowardly to yourself, but you're also being cowardly to him. I think it'd really hurt him if he found out that you've been feeling like this for a while, and not said anything.

Also, even if you feel like you can't just be that frank with him face-to-face, there are other ways to be honest with him. You can write him a letter, or something of the sort. I'm sure he'd understand that you were just nervous and didn't want to hurt him.

Were you each other's first? Or was he your first, or vise versa? Could it be that you're his first and he'd been watching porn before you got together with him, and that he thinks that girls get pleasure just from sex no matter what it's like, and that the louder the better? (Sorry.. not really sure how to phrase that better).

Have you ever tried to be the dominant one in bed? Like pushing him down on the bed, and teasing him? Sometimes that helps get the message across, and once you've teased him, he'll then think 'it's pay back time..'. You can also quite literally say that you're not yet ready for penetration and just give yourself foreplay, and then he'll want to join in.

To be honest, my heard really does go out to you, and I think that even though sex isn't everything in a relationship, it's extremely important and this could eventually be the end of you guys. Would you really want end a relationship on something that later on you'll see as really trivial? Just be honest with him - even if he is a tad-bit hurt he'll soon get over it and realise that he's been hurting you. Good luck, darling.

[Denz]

Before he enters you, say "not yet, get me more wet" or "I need to be more wet"

[Alison]

Selfishness is very similar to judgement; both are seen as bad and something we should never do. However, both are needed in everyday life and help us to evolve.

Judgement allows us to form an opinion about someone or something and, in the case of many professions, helps us to formulate a treatment plan or the best way to help and support. It’s only when that judgement has a detrimental effect on how you think of someone (e.g. base your decision on stereotypes), how you behave (e.g. cross the street because you see a young person wearing a hoodie), how you treat them (e.g. disregard their opinion) etc.

Similarly, selfishness helps us to help ourselves and, whether it makes sense or not, those around us. For example, if a counsellor experiences problems at home (bereavement, divorce etc.) and therefore cannot concentrate on their clients problems, they can take some time off work to resolve their own “stuff”.

Another example, if a counsellor has a client who has been abused for a number of years by their father and that counsellor has had the exact same experience (or similar), this can make them uncomfortable and emotional. A counsellor can either carry on and, being that the issue is so close to home, confuse the two experiences or they can admit to themselves that the issue presents a problem and pass the client over to someone else.

Both of these examples can be seen as selfish but in theory, they can be in the best interests of the client.

Personally, I think you’ve got to be selfish to “fix” your sex life and feel better about your relationship.

I can see a few issues:

• Pain

• Foreplay

• Orgasm

• Not being honest

Pain

The pain you’re experiencing could be because:

• You aren’t wet enough

This could be for a number of reasons:

• Lack of stimulation / foreplay

• Stress / Depression

• Lack of estrogen

• Physical condition (e.g. Sjögren’s disease – just learnt of this now!)

• Birth control pills

• Infection

Have you thought about using lubricants? See: http://www.condoms-condoms.co.uk/per...ubricants.html or http://shop.durex.com/en-gb/Pages/Sh...tegoryid=lubes (I use Condomi Lub and Durex Play Feel)

Some women have to use lubricants because they cannot produce enough of their own wetness. Many women though (myself included) use lubricants as an aid to sex – it increases the amount of fluid, can increase the pleasure and can reduce friction.

• It’s too rough

This can be solved by him thrusting slower or by changing position (e.g. missionary to you on top).

• A psychological condition (e.g. vaginismus - http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginis...roduction.aspx)

• A physical condition (e.g. vulvodynia - http://vulvalpainsociety.org/index.php?page=vulvodynia or vestibulodynia - http://vulvalpainsociety.org/index.p...vestibulodynia)

If it’s a psychological or physical condition, you’ll be able to look at those websites and follow up with doctors, consultants, support groups etc.

• or a mixture

You need to try and relax as much as possible - even though through trying to relax, you can make yourself more tense!

Foreplay

Foreplay can come in many forms and different people like different activities.

I could have sex after just a bit of kissing or reading an erotic passage - my mind being the most powerful form of foreplay. Others have to be physically stimulated (masturbation or oral sex) before they can even attempt to have sex.

Neither forms are right or wrong; it’s just what works. If you know you want or need more foreplay (in whatever form), you are entitled to that. It doesn’t make you selfish or a bad girlfriend to want more pleasure.

Have you experimented with sex toys (either by yourself or with your boyfriend or thought about it?) Look at: http://www.sextoys.co.uk/ or http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/

Orgasm

Whilst this isn’t a problem in itself (most women are not able to orgasm through sexual intercourse alone – estimated at 70%), you seem to feel that you should be able to.

There has been much debate about the different kinds of orgasm – clitoral and vaginal.

Sigmund Freud believed that the “mature” woman would only have a vaginal orgasm - only adolescents would achieve clitoral orgasm and once they went through puberty, would change over to vaginal. This led women to feel very inadequate if they couldn’t reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation.

Being able to orgasm one way over another or not doesn’t make you any more or less of a woman. It doesn’t and shouldn’t reflect badly on you or your boyfriend.

Changing sexual position can help you to achieve or maximise an orgasm. The missionary position is unlikely to provide clitoral stimulation but a different position or slight change in the missionary position could (e.g. a pillow / cushion / his hands under your hips)

I’m curious as to whether you experimented with yourself (masturbation) to see what you liked and didn’t like before your boyfriend. I’m also curious as to whether you experimented (masturbation and oral sex) with your boyfriend before progressing onto sexual intercourse.

Not being honest

I’m glad you’ve been able to tell him (even if it was through IM) as this should start things rolling.

I usually advocate total honesty but I think with this issue he doesn’t have to know everything.

You recognise that in being dishonest from the start, it will be difficult to tell him the truth now. Whether you tell him the full truth is completely up to you but if you do, you have to approach it very, very carefully.

It will more than likely dent his pride / ego but more than that, he could feel incredibly hurt that you didn’t feel like you could approach him and tell him it was hurting you / you weren’t taking any pleasure from it.

You need to be able to be honest with your boyfriend but you also need to be honest with yourself. If things are going to improve, your boyfriend is going to have to know the truth (to some degree at least).

He'll need your help in letting him know whether a certain act pleasures you or not. You can both work together in making sex (and everything else that goes with it) as pleasurable as it can be for the two of you.